Life gets in the way

I am trying to read, I honestly and truly am. I am falling asleep in a book after reading the same page three times.
I don't have space for reading journal articles in my life just now. Inspection is looming over us and although management thinks we are doing really well I have massive reservations. I am constantly comparing my record keeping, practice, planning and evaluations to what I did in mainstream and I come up so short every time. I am drowning in an endless sea of paperwork that doesn't serve to make my job easier. I'd love to spend my time planning good, productive, engaging lessons but I feel so swamped by review meetings, the fact that I haven't done my evaluations and don't have a theme planner written, constantly being pulled out of class for this that and the other and not actually managing to get time in my class where I teach anyone anything. One pupil is getting disproportionately more time with me than any others and while that is working for him, everyone else is suffering. I'm spread too thin and its getting worse instead of better. All targets have to be evaluated and photo evidenced for this term, new long and short term targets set for every child and parent's night the first night of the inspection.
For the next two weeks I have the planning to do for my three days out of class and for the inspection week and I'm so exhausted that I'm completely out of ideas.
I can't get my brain to work to think of all the things it needs to think of! I am praying for a sick bug that only affects children starting tomorrow!

Add to all of that the daily grind of busy family life, trying to get help for a son who is having difficulty at school and a daughter who is never in the same place two days in a row.

Stop the world, I want to get off!

Right, enough moaning, off to put the kettle on and brew myself a nice strong cup of Man the F*ck Up and get the head down and get on with it!

26th February 2014

How am I ever going to get through this?

This was a question I often asked myself while studying for my BEd degree. Through the course I was married, separated, moved house (twice), got pregnant, had a baby and still ended up with a 2:1 with merit in teaching. Somehow you just do it and I don't think you always know how. Well following on from yesterdays post about talking the talk without walking the walk I suppose its going to be tested! HMIe inspection in a fortnight. Never been through the process as a teacher but having recently gone through it as a parent in a school that I think is excellent but that got dragged over the coals I can think of things I'd rather be doing! Lets hope my previous experience with life stress helps me here!!

Lots of talk at school about my lack of confidence in what I'm doing despite the impression that my practice is really excellent but can't shake off the feeling that I'm really not getting it right and spend the majority of my time wallowing in self doubt and panicking about being behind on my paperwork. The writing down of interesting lessons has ground me down to the point of being unable to think straight and although on one hand being praised for coming up with good ideas is lovely, being unable to have the energy to see them through is a serious shortcoming. This is really having a negative impact on the team and on the children I teach.

Its the time of year when everyone starts to feel wobbly about the changes that come over the summer with children moving classes and staff accompanying them. I know I'm going nowhere but having a new child to deal with is looking pretty daunting at the moment!

This is supposed to be a reflective journal about my thoughts on the Inclusive Practice certificate course and has become a panicked incoherent ramble about the worries of an inspection. I will add though that I received some books through the post today from the university library - felt a bit like Christmas! I am however incapacitated by inspection fears and I don't think I'll be reading anything tonight!